I had a different post rattling around in my head to put up today, but I just got a call from my mother. She is heading back into the hospital. They said it might be for just overnight, but honestly, I don’t believe that. Her history tells me we are in for another long stay, possibly over Christmas. I am not being pessimistic, I just know how things have gone over the past couple of months.
I don’t know the details yet. I only spoke to her for 30 or 40 seconds by phone. She had a doctor’s appointment this morning, and it seems they had bad news for her. My aunt is going to pick her up and take her in. She said she would call me later when she knew more.
I admit, I’m tired. I try to handle situations, stress, problems with calmness and clarity, but this whole thing is wearing me down. There is so little I can do about it. I can help my Mom by learning how to help her medical issues, I can visit her, bring her prescriptions and other necessities, but I have no power to solve the actual problem. I try to hold onto the idea that things will work out – they always do, somehow – but it is getting harder and harder.
To make it worse, I feel bad about complaining. I’m not the one who is sick. I only talked to my Mom for a few seconds, but I could hear the sadness and pain in her voice. I know going back into the hospital is the last thing she wants. And of her children, I have the least to complain about. My sister was the one who took her in over her convalescence and cared for her through some fairly rough times. Granted, she is a nurse and is best suited for taking care of Mom, but she is also the mother of two small children, one of which is only 6 months old, and a very busy person. So, I end up feeling bad… about feeling bad.
I’m not terribly worried about Christmas. If Mom is in the hospital, we’ll work something out. As my sister said today, we have never been a family of sticklers about celebrating things on a particular date. We’ve been known to celebrate birthdays months after the actual day; we’ll figure out another time to do this. I’m just tired of my Mom hurting and feeling sick. I am tired of the strain it puts on the rest of us. I just want her to heal.
Photo credit: Diane Cordell